But I'll be smiling when I die...

Montreal...isn't happening.

And my entire aim lately is not to think about it. Because if I think about it, I'll be reminded of how disappointed I am, not only in the fact that it didn't work out, but also in myself for even thinking it could.

It just sucks. I've been saving up for months for absolutely nothing. I paid $50 for a concert ticket that I'm never going to use except to stare at and feel sad.

I haven't felt so much sad, aside from my mini-meltdown directly following the news, as empty. Just this hollowness of disappointment. I should have known better though.

I'm going on a spending spree to make myself feel better before I start saving up for all the other things I desire. At least one of them is my aim to have next summer, the most expensive, but I'll be 18 and I think I'd be willing to take out a loan for something like that. *NOT SAYING WHAT*

If I listen to Nightwish, I get incredibly depressed, though. So I've been listening to Sixx:A.M. like crazy. Methinks they're becoming another therapy band for me when I'm down.

I heard the acoustic version of Life is Beautiful and it is simply put and completely AMAZING song and absolutely beautiful. I had to rip it from the Youtube video because I couldn't find it for download (even paid download) ANYWHERE. And I needed it. I needed it because it's so incredibly touching.

Currently Listening: Courtesy Call by Sixx:A.M.

I can't feel anything, my arms are numb,

And I'm hoping you notice

The light that I left on.

It's not your whole life.

I LOVE SIXX:A.M.!!

I'm working on a set of 50 icons from their Accidents can Happen video. I've been listening to the song on repeat for the past like two hours :p.

The bands that have affected me most have been, in this order, Nightwish, Papa Roach, and Sixx:A.M. Maybe Sixx:A.M. is ridiculous since it's all about doing heroin and overcoming addiction, but a lot of the songs don't even seem like that. I desperately hope they do another album, because I will die if that's all James' lovely voice winds up being heard on.

Today, I was randomly given $100. It was a shock, since I hadn't even expected $20, but it's just in time since this Montreal thing is shaping up. I've already decided if it doesn't happen, I'm going to completely splurge on Nightwish merch. I have my concert ticket, I got it in the mail a few days ago, so please don't tell me that I wasted $50 :(.

And in other news, the little fanfic is nudging its way into my thoughts again. I don't know when I'll actually sit down and try writing it, but the fact that I'm thinking about it is a good sign.

Go check out Accidents Can Happen, I swear to fucking god, this song is ridiculously beautiful.

Curently Listening: Accidents Can Happen by Sixx:A.M.

Take some time,

Learn to breathe,

And remember what it means

To feel alive,

To believe there's something more

Than what you see.

Cruefest report!

Mostly C/P-ed from LJ.

We get a call at 3:30 telling us to be at the MTS Centre by Moxie's for 20 after 4, where we would meet someone who would bring us to meet Papa Roach. So she leads us downstairs, we wait around for a bit, then we're let in. There are six of us. We're told we're meeting Buckcherry first, and some pro photographer is gonna take a picture of us with them. We get a picture signed, two of the band members seem really egotistical, one of them seem sreally cool, picture's taken, drummer plays Rock Band with one of the other girls (and fails miserably which is hilarious), then leaves. We're directed outside again, and told that with Papa Roach, we aren't allowed to pose with them for pictures or anything because there isn't enough time. We go in, some girl gets her purse signed by Jacoby and he says he's signed it all from "boobs, to dildos, you name it." :p. Tony's first, he's all easily distracted, we have a minor moment of confusion when he asks where I want him to sign on the CD booklet (eventually we wound up choosing the front). Going down the line, I exchange a few words with Jerry and Tobin, then my Nightwish "conversation" with Jacoby ensues.

Him: *grabs pic to sign, looks at my shirt, looks down to sign, hands me the picture* Nightwish.
Me: Yeah, you know them?
Him: Yeah, with the girl singer, right?
Me: Yeah!
Him: Yeah, we toured with them in Europe!
Me: Are you serious?! That's awesome! (at this point I briefly think of telling him that I saw Nightwish in May, but decided it was lame.) *grabs CD booklet* Thank you so much!
Him (or possibly Jerry): Thank you for supporting the music!
Me: I have been for four years and don't plan to stop. (side note: WHY DID I SAY SOMETHING SO LAME?! >.<)

Jerry (or possibly Tobin): Enjoy the show!

Me: I know we will!

That was it. Better meet & greet than Nightwish's, though I think NW was just having a bad day or something. I'm so happy I got to actually talk to Jacoby though. So we leave and I buy a Papa Roach shirt at the nearby merch stand and we go up to the third floor, where our seats are, and go through security, etc.
First picture of just the band.
Second picture of Jacoby talking to me. I'm not in it though :p. But you can see the corner of the signed pic I'm holding. We're supposed to e-mail the guy from Universal to get our pics with Buckcherry. I'll have to remind Janice of that.I think I'm going to sell the signed pic I got of them on eBay or something, since I really don't care for Buckcherry.

TRAPT
Rating: No rating.
Review: We only caught their last two or three songs, because of the meet and greet. Their last song was their best and only hit "Headstrong". It was enjoyable. I found their other songs boring, there was also pretty much no one in the arena at that point. The people behind us really got into it, though. They must have been TRAPT fans.

Sixx:A.M.
Rating: 7/10
Review: It was great. Their opening track was "X-Mas in Hell", so we had to go through all that waiting for them to get on-stage. Their backdrop was really cool too, btw. It was really fun. DJ Ashba added in some cool guitar solos at random intervals, and Nikki Sixx and James Michael were pretty funny, when James got his guitar, and they were like getting in each others' faces, and then Nikki kicked James, and James kicked Nikki. It was really cute. The downside was that James was recovering from losing his voice, so he didn't do his awesome falsettos, and the one time he went really high in his belting voice, his voice broke and it actually sounded really, really painful and he went and drank a shitload of water afterwards. He got out a video cam during "Tomorrow" and recorded the audience. They'll probably use that in some video or another, since that was what their official video for "Tomorrow" is made of. Anyways, it was great. I heart James.

Papa Roach
Rating: 10/10
Review: Absolutely amazing. No words to describe it. Jacoby went down into the crowd for "Time is Running Out", he walked right around the arena, climbed into the stands and rocked out with a bunch of people there, crossed the floor, went to the other side. When the song was over, he was about to go back to the stage, when he suddenly jumps into the stand and goes up to this woman maybe halfway up. "Hi, what's your name?" he says. "Kelly," she says. "Hello, Kelly. Can you please tell me why you're sitting on your ass at a rock and roll concert?" It was so funny. He didn't give her time to respond, he just walked away, going on about how you shouldn't be sitting at a rock and roll concert. He gets back to stage and they start playing "Forever", there's the pink lights and everything, and Jacoby says, "Man, this song makes me feel like a pimp." The whole arena bursts out laughing. He's fucking hilarious. There were a few other moments of precious Jacobyness, like when he sang the line, "I know it shouldn't, but it's getting me off," in "I Almost Told You That I Loved You" and he did the little jack-off hand motions. Also when he put the microphone into his mouth, seriously, right into his mouth, and screamed into it at the end of "Between Angels and Insects". Jerry was going absolutely nuts too, headbanging like there was no tomorrow. I swear to god he headbanged even more than Emppu did at the Nightwish concert. And he kept running over to the drum riser and jumping off. It was funny and awesome. The entire building completely exploded for "Last Resort" too. And at the end, Jacoby got everyone going on a Papa Roach chant. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Buckcherry
Rating: No rating
Review: No review. Janice and I left for their set, went to Tim Horton's, and bought me some more merchandise.

Motley Crue
Rating: 9/10
Review: AWESOME. I don't even like their music, but it was fucking fantastic. Pyrotechnics (I didn't even think the MTS Centre was set up for that) and fireworks, really loud, really great to see all the energy in the crowd. Downsides being the soft porn playing on the videoscreens during "Same Old Situation", "Sick Love Song", "Dr.Feelgood" and "Girls, Girls, Girls". Plus Tommy Lee's Tit E. Cam. That was awkward. Seriously, I can't believe some of the stuff they showed there. It was an all ages concert at that. I saw quite a few little kids running around in Crue shirts. But then again, they are Motley Crue and that's their thing. Their opening little skit was quite funny. Silhouetted angel, silhouetted devil, then the silhouetted angel gives the silhouetted devil a blow job. Haha. "Saints of Los Angeles" was a personal highlight for me, because I love that song. All the singers from the other bands joined Crue on-stage for the song, and at some points, the audience completely drowned out the band with their singing. Nikki Sixx, whom I was admittedly watching the most, is very cute on-stage. He would stand at the edge of the stage, and you could see that he was looking directly at one particular person, and he would wait until he had a chance to reach down and grab their hand. He kept beating up his mic-stand too :p. And point at people in the stands. During "Motherfucker of the Year", he kept flipping people off too. It was funny. They finished off with a bow, and Tommy going, "Can I get a hell yeah?!" and when we all screamed "Hell yeah!" he's like, "You guys are great Motley Crue bitches." Or something.

I'm totally tripping over the fact that I met my two very favourite bands in the span of four months, and beyond that, that they know each other!! IF I get to see Nightwish in Montreal and IF I get to talk to them (I intend to get there very early, after all), I am definitely going to ask if they know Papa Roach and tell them that Papa Roach knows/remembers them.

My only regret from when I talked to Jacoby, aside from saying something so lame, is that I didn't ask if he'd heard their new album. But oh well. Maybe he'll check it out now that he's been reminded of the band. Oh god, you guys don't understand how happy I was. And how NICE Jacoby is in person. The whole band, they were really nice, all of them talked to us, so welcoming and happy. We had a pretty decent amount of time just to talk to them, I mean, it wasn't leisurely or anything, but it was still enough to say more than "Hi", you know? Then again, there were only sic people they had to meet, not like 20 like Nightwish. *sighs* I want to see both of the bands touring together. So badly.

Currrently Listening: Made of Steel by Our Lady Peace

I can be anything that you want me to be,

A holy cross, some sympathy

That reminds you not to bleed.

SQUEE!

I MET PAPA ROACH!!!

AND JACOBY AND I TALKED ABOUT NIGHTWISH!!!

More on this tomorrow.

Concert today!

Soooo...maybe I won't see Nightwish in Montreal after all :(. I bought my concert ticket already though, I'll probably be getting it like tomorrow or Tuesday actually, but fuckface Dollarama gave me ZERO shifts next week and I need another 30 hour week in order to afford the plane ticket. I'm actually touching up my resume right now, and there are two places that are hiring right now where I'm going to drop it off.

Cruefest is today, I'm actually going over to Janice's in a couple of hours where we will listen to PRoach and Sixx:A.M. (even though I've been only listening to PRoach for the past like three days) for a few hours prior to heading out for the cocnert. I wasn't able t get a meet & greet, but apparently these things are sometimes organized the day of. So the guy's got my mom's cell number and is going to call her if it winds up happening, but I don't think it's going to. Oh well. These things happen. *tries not to think about how disappointed she is*.

So you'll have a Cruefest report tomorrow evening. I don't doubt it will rock, it's just our seats suck so much :(. But floor tickets costed $100 and I'm sorry, I don't love Papa Roach enough for that. I loved Nightwish enough to pay $70 for a meet & greet plus early entry to a rush seating venue, I don't love Papa Roach enough to pay $100 to get a spot on the floor way in the back without a meet & greet or anything. I'm not made of money. Well maybe I'll try to track them down before or after the show. I doubt I'll have any luck with that, but you never know.

Currently Listeining: Be Free by Papa Roach

Now I'm full of guilt and shame.

I can't point a finger 'cause there's no one to blame.

So I say I'll never do it again,

But when the sun goes down, you are my only friend.

I do very much like Oomph!

Go see my LJ. I posted some icons there. Primarily Nightwish.

I'm going to Montreal to see them. Seattle's off the list now, since Dollarama cut back everyone's hours. It's about $600 cheaper to go to Montreal. The funny thing is that the day I did the math and realized I wouldn't be able to afford Seattle was the day my mom was going to order the tickets online, in fact she'd planned to only a couple hours after I told her not to. So she didn't.

Oomph! put all their songs from their new album on their Myspace. I highly recommend checking it out ;). It's very awesome. I love their new single Labyrinth, and their video for it is beyond awesome. Dark twisted versions of Alice in Wonderland for the win!

Learning how to play Life is Beautiful on guitar. The notes are easy, it's just very fast.

Cruefest is on Sunday. Pretty pumped.

Currently Listening: Labyrinth by Oomph!

Klopf, klopf, lass me rein.

Lass mich dein Geheimnis sein.

Links, recht, geradeaus,

Du bist im Labyrinth.

[Knock, knock, let me in.

Let me be your secret.

Left, right, straight ahead,

You're in the labyrinth.]

I owe you an explanation.

Basically, the reason the fanfic's on hiatus is something I don't really want to talk about. It isn't anything SUPER MAJOR OMG MY FAMILY IS FALLING APART AND I'M TURNING EMO, just something that happened that isn't allowing me to feel so great, nor creative. I've been in worse places than I am right now, but where I am puts me in a bad mood, which is not the mood to write and get even angrier and more disappointed with myself. To absolutely anyone reading this: I am not going to tell you what happened, so don't bother asking. It isn't important, what's important is where it put me.

So I guess that's the semblance of an explanation any of you fanfic readers are going to get. I do feel bad for this, because I know I get disappointed when the authors of any fanfics I'm reading decide to take a break or just give up on the story, and I don't like making people disappointed, but at the same time, it's kind of a relief for me. It was getting harder and harder for me to write it and I had the constant nagging feeling that the quality was suffering significantly, and I still think it does. I can't get the words out of me properly anymore, even though I have the thought and I know what I want to say. It was really getting to be disappointing for me, that I just cannot write as good as I would like to, and in that sense, it felt like I was kind of letting everyone reading it and myself down.

Maybe after this break, the quality will go up and life will be going better for me. I hope so at least. I hope I'll be able to have another chapter written by the first week of September. I do like writing, I do still like this story I've started and where it's going, and I'm not going to give up on it. But since this thing happened, I just can't think enough to write right now. *sighs* I hope you understand what I'm saying.

Currently Listening: Let You Down by Three Days Grace

I will let you down,

I'll let you down, I'll...

When you finally trust me,

Finally believe in me.

Everything is on hiatus.

Good-bye.

Currently Listening: Tomorrow by Sixx:A.M.

Nothing's gonna last forever,

And things can change like the weather.

They're gone in the blink of an eye.

Fanfiction blues

I fail at writing. I'll try to have it up by the end of the week, but I'm seriously NOT in the mood to write right now. Sorry :/
I've actually been thinking of just putting it on hiatus for now, but I guess we'll see.

And I've just been such a fucking idiot lately. I mean seriously. I've taken to stammering as I speak. Like wtf? I only ever used to stammer when I was reading aloud. My skill at the art of conversation has pretty much disappeared entirely and I keep doing things that just make me feel bad. ARG. I'm so tired of being like this, and tired of trying not to be. Just tired. Wish I could give up. *sighs*.

Currently Listening: Love and Trust by Our Lady Peace

Will you break my fall when I climb too high?

I always lose my nerve, it happens every time.

Will you bring me home when I'm barely alive?

It's the state of love and trust.

This is for you.

This is for us.

Hidden inside ourselves...is the fangirl waiting to be let out.

Oh yay!

I've opened up Word again and am going to try my hand at ANOTHER Nightwish fanfic. A fluffy one though ^.^. Not like OMG I'M BEING RAPED BY FLUFF, but like awww. hahaha. And also omg icons icons icons. I got uber inspired tonight! I'm also trying to find some lyrics in my library that could represent Marco, Emppu and Jukka. I think I have some for Jukka. Anette's is done already, obviously, hence the wallpaper I made with said lyrics. I've got what I'll probably use for Tuomas'. Wallpapers are fun to make, hopefully one day I'll actually be good at it. Jacoby's got one coming up too. Because I wuv him so.

And I'm totally an Oomph! fangirl haaaaaah. Well, I'm not as obsessed with them as I was with Nightwish when I first heard of them (that was an obsession that grew quite rapidly following my introduction to Amaranth), but it's there and they make me happy. I'm deffers ordering their new album when it comes out. And while we're talking about them, some very nice and awesome person subbed their video for Beim Ersten Mal Tut's Immer Weh in English. Which adds a completely different perspective, for me at any rate :p. It's awesomesauce though. Epic amounts of awesomesauce.

And now to see if my muse can get something out despite the fact that it's 3 in the morning.

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. I watched the videos of Nightwish at Wacken and OH GOD IT IS SO AWESOME *dies*. *will continue on about this tomorrow on LJ*.

Ta!

Currently Listening: Lovehatetragedy by Papa Roach

Human behaviour, peculiar it seems.

Some thrive on hate and some love and dream.

Everyone's got a purpose and wants to be loved.

I think I found my purpose, I think I found love

Hidden inside myself.

squeefest!

THIS IS HAPPY-MAKING!

I'm SO going to see it when it comes out. I've really missed the good ol' fashioned animation movies *sadface*.

THANK YOU DISNEY!! *bows and worships* A real cartoon and it isn't even a sequel!

Sorry. Anyways, I am working on further backgrounds and junk, though I think I should probably just start writing the fanfic again. I'm working tomorrow (ugh), but I have Sunday 'til Friday off, so that's pretty nice.

Currently Listening: Just Like You by Three Days Grace

You thought you were there to guide me,

You were only in my way.

You're wrong if you think that I'll be

Just like you.

And also I'm a walking mosquito bite.

I got back from the lake today. Yes, I said I didn't want to go out there, and I didn't want to, but my dad and Aiden are leaving on Sunday and this would have been the last time I got to see them. And now I'm all sunburnt because my pale, pale skin cannot handle large amounts of exposure to the sun. I could go on about the things that happened there, but what's the point? You'll just be bored anyway.

I haven't written a single line of the next chapter of fanfic, lol. I started to write it and then thought to meself, "Ugh. This sucks." So I erased it and have been thinking it through and mulling it over. How to make this that and the other thing convey as I want it to and all that. We'll see. Maybe I'll get a giant burst of inspiration and just spew out the rest of the fic in top-notch quality. Hah. Like that could ever happen.

Now, to occupy you with an interesting dream I had the other night. Totally random, and one in which there are musicians, but no Nightwish. Which is odd, really, if you think about the fact that I'm completely obsessed with them and not nearly as much so with any of the other musicians that turn up. But anyways. I sometimes have these really, really vivid dreams that I can remember in exact detail, and this was one of them.

Shanel, Jessica and I were at some big music festival. We were sitting at this picnic table and there was no one else around us, because everyone was watching whatever band was performing, except this one other person who was leaning against the fence with her back to us. Jessica says, "Oh, hey, isn't that Kelly Clarkson?" and I'm like, "OMG! It is!" and I guess Kelly heard her name because she walked over to us and I said, "Hey Kelly, when does your next album come out?" and she said, "Oh, soon." Then Jessica says, "What was her first single again?" and I said, "Miss Independent." Kelly interrupts and says, "Yeah, the new album's gonna be a lot like that!" Then Nikki Sixx walks up to us and says, "Hey, I could show you around." So we follow him. Well actually, I walk beside him and Shanel and Jessica are behind us. I tell him how much I love Sixx:A.M. and I ask him if they're going to make another album. He says, "No." and then leads us into this big white tent and down a staircase, which leads to some place where there's a bunch of stacked crates. In the middle of the floor is this tiny little stage and Sixx:A.M. is playing (somehow Nikki moved from beside me to playing his bass). Then these gangsters come running into the room with their AK 47s and whatnot and they're like, "Everybody get down! GET DOWN!" and people start freaking out. So I duck behind these boxes, and Shanel's beside me on one sied, and then Sixx:A.M. morphs into Shinedown who are playing and James Michael is crouched down beside me. He says, "We have to get out of here" as though I didn't know that, and then starts running towards another doorway. Shanel follows him, and me too, but then I turn around and start yelling, "Wait! I have to find Aiden! I can't leave without Aiden!" and I'm completely hysterical, crying my eyes out and running back into the room where the thugs are still marching around with their guns and everyone else is crouched down with their hands over their heads. Shanel grabs me by the arm and says, "Aiden will be fine! We have to go!" and drags me into the other room. We jump into this hole kind thing that was dug under some crates, and James is there, and then he's like, "I know a way out." So he leads us to this other staircase and we climb up it and find Jacoby Shaddix leading a group of SWAT guys down to deal with the gangsters. And that was that.

It was totally weird though, lol.

And the thing is that I would totally die for Aiden. Even if sometimes I resent the fact that because of him, Holly and my dad don't care as much about me, and even if he drives me absolutely insane sometimes, I love that kid to bits and I'd do anything to keep him safe. If anything were ever to happen to him, I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably just die, seriously.

It was the most heart-warming thing ever to get to the lake and have Aiden come running down the lawn, yelling, "Nika!" to give me a hug.

But enough about me.

Currently Listening: The Addict by Papa Roach

I've got a pocket full of pills

And I'm looking for a cheap thrill tonight.

Control me, console me.

I've got a disaster on my hands

'Cause I'm living like a criminal tonight.

Control me, console me.