Well hello there blogosphere. How goes it? Danika here, reporting at you live from my basement.
Today the weather was kinda chilly, kinda windy, but not terrible. One could survive without a toque or gloves.
In the news, you'll find that there's people dying all over the world, and also people being born. Scientists wonder at this phenomenon and hope to fully understand it at some point in the near future.
In Danika's personal life, why don't we go there?
At present, her parents are in the midst of a separation. She is not amused by this, for it means that she will have to move in the very near future, possibly in the next two weeks. She also tires of talking about herself in the third person.
So yeah, my mom and step-dad are separating. I spend most of my days in my bedroom with my music on very loudly now. I don't enjoy being around them. It's weird and uncomfortable. And they're always talking in murmurs upstairs that go increasingly quiet if they hear me approaching. It bothers me, so I choose not to face it. I eat my meals in my bedroom now too. There's no conversations of genuine substance that occur between either me and my mother or me and Dallas.
I'm also growing increasingly weary of people in general. I've begun to think everything might be better, for them and for me, if I just didn't speak. It irks me when I feel like they don't give two shits what I'm saying, and it pisses me off when I regret saying (or not saying) something pretty much the second it leaves (or doesn't leave) my mouth. This is happening with almost everyone I speak to now. ALMOST being the key word. And it's happening in quite nearly every conversation I have, where I either regret what I said, or wish I'd said something that I hadn't. It's just the way it rolls these days, I don't know why. For the past two weeks though, and it's driving me insane.
Work continues to be work. It's not wholly bad and it's not wholly excellent. I'm getting along way more with some coworkers, and way less with others. So that's bittersweet. I'm also slowly befriending the assistant manager at HMV and one of the people who works at Arby's. They're both really nice :). I like talking to them. Sometimes the conversations can be a bit awkward, which is entirely my fault and primarily with the girl at Arby's, because I still haven't fully grasped the moves in the dance of conversation. Getting there though. Anyways, it's kind of a novelty, you know. Getting to know them. Because I don't see them often enough, so it's like slowly, very slowly peeling away the layers. Finding out their name finally (which was the girl at HMV), or small tidbits about what's going on in their life (Arby's girl). I guess they get to know a bit about me too. The girl at Arby's (I'm refraining from saying their names because it's kinda irrelevant anyway) knows that I have multiple families, and the girl at HMV obviously knows the music I'm into. Just like I know that HMV girl is really sick these days and that she likes 3 Doors Down lol. Small things that are pretty much irrelevant in the BIG picture, but are really interesting to find out. I'm finally getting an idea of these people (the only ones who have really taken the time to have a pretty good conversation with me, even though everyone else who works at those stores ALSO sees me on a regular basis), and it makes me happy. It's not something I imagined would really happen with me, mostly because I'm pretty reserved. They took the first step though, and it makes things ten times easier for me. Feels like they really want to talk to me so I don't have to pressure them into the conversation.
There are two other girls at HMV whose names I do not know. One of them appears to no longer be there, but perhaps she's just on vacation, who always had good conversations with me. She used to work at a Dollarama, that's why lol. And the other is just pretty nice and we were talking about how busy the mall was and everything. I may have mentioned her in the summer from when I bought my Shinedown CD. It's the same girl lol.
School is an arduous task, but at present we are watching Gattaca in biology class and Brokedown Palace in law. Of course there's assignments/projects attached to them, but it's two days without worrying about taking epic amounts of notes or having questions assigned or something. I'll do the damn assignments, it's always better than the other questions we're given. In French class, it's the same old shtick we've dealt with every year in high school. Reading a book and filling out handouts. There is absolutely nothing new in that class. Psychology is alright, nothing terribly exciting goes on in it though.
On a personal note, I think I'm starting to come to terms with some things in my life. How I fit in and how I feel towards certain people. My secret infatuation has not diminished significantly, but it has a little bit (if only out of sheer hopelessness, as it were), so I consider this to be a good sign. The faster I get over it, the better, as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately, it's not just a case of flipping a switch and being done with it because you know you'd be better off not pining over so and so. It would be so much easier if it was though. Anyways, aside from the small bursts of giddyness/nervousness I get at school from that, I'm pretty numb. I don't feel really connected to anyone, at least not as closely as I'd like. I guess it's the same thing I've yearned for for years now and never found. I'd hoped that the way things were going with some of my coworkers, maybe I'd finally find someone I could implicitely trust, but although there is still one strong candidate for that, the chances are nothing's gonna come of it. Every time I have the chance to finally explain myself and to tell what I've really wanted to all along, I close up. I dunno. I guess it's not so much the fear (with some people) that it'll be betrayed and told to someone else, it's more the worry that they don't actually care, and they wouldn't really listen when I told them, that they wouldn't understand how important that information was to me. /emo rant.
I like to laugh and smile. I just don't find the will in me at this point in time to do much of it genuinely anymore. However, I did have to smile when I made one of my LJ friends really happy by telling her I'd mail her Papa Roach's new album when it comes out. And I will for sure. It'll be her late birthday present. And I was always happy just to draw something for my other online friend and mail it to her. It feels like I did something that mattered, something concrete or I don't know how to explain lol. Anyways, she seemed to like it :).
Nothing much more to say. I'm really digging Kamelot these days. But I also watched Within Temptation's Black Symphony the other night and now I can't stop listening to Within Temptation. Omg The Cross <3333.
Today the weather was kinda chilly, kinda windy, but not terrible. One could survive without a toque or gloves.
In the news, you'll find that there's people dying all over the world, and also people being born. Scientists wonder at this phenomenon and hope to fully understand it at some point in the near future.
In Danika's personal life, why don't we go there?
At present, her parents are in the midst of a separation. She is not amused by this, for it means that she will have to move in the very near future, possibly in the next two weeks. She also tires of talking about herself in the third person.
So yeah, my mom and step-dad are separating. I spend most of my days in my bedroom with my music on very loudly now. I don't enjoy being around them. It's weird and uncomfortable. And they're always talking in murmurs upstairs that go increasingly quiet if they hear me approaching. It bothers me, so I choose not to face it. I eat my meals in my bedroom now too. There's no conversations of genuine substance that occur between either me and my mother or me and Dallas.
I'm also growing increasingly weary of people in general. I've begun to think everything might be better, for them and for me, if I just didn't speak. It irks me when I feel like they don't give two shits what I'm saying, and it pisses me off when I regret saying (or not saying) something pretty much the second it leaves (or doesn't leave) my mouth. This is happening with almost everyone I speak to now. ALMOST being the key word. And it's happening in quite nearly every conversation I have, where I either regret what I said, or wish I'd said something that I hadn't. It's just the way it rolls these days, I don't know why. For the past two weeks though, and it's driving me insane.
Work continues to be work. It's not wholly bad and it's not wholly excellent. I'm getting along way more with some coworkers, and way less with others. So that's bittersweet. I'm also slowly befriending the assistant manager at HMV and one of the people who works at Arby's. They're both really nice :). I like talking to them. Sometimes the conversations can be a bit awkward, which is entirely my fault and primarily with the girl at Arby's, because I still haven't fully grasped the moves in the dance of conversation. Getting there though. Anyways, it's kind of a novelty, you know. Getting to know them. Because I don't see them often enough, so it's like slowly, very slowly peeling away the layers. Finding out their name finally (which was the girl at HMV), or small tidbits about what's going on in their life (Arby's girl). I guess they get to know a bit about me too. The girl at Arby's (I'm refraining from saying their names because it's kinda irrelevant anyway) knows that I have multiple families, and the girl at HMV obviously knows the music I'm into. Just like I know that HMV girl is really sick these days and that she likes 3 Doors Down lol. Small things that are pretty much irrelevant in the BIG picture, but are really interesting to find out. I'm finally getting an idea of these people (the only ones who have really taken the time to have a pretty good conversation with me, even though everyone else who works at those stores ALSO sees me on a regular basis), and it makes me happy. It's not something I imagined would really happen with me, mostly because I'm pretty reserved. They took the first step though, and it makes things ten times easier for me. Feels like they really want to talk to me so I don't have to pressure them into the conversation.
There are two other girls at HMV whose names I do not know. One of them appears to no longer be there, but perhaps she's just on vacation, who always had good conversations with me. She used to work at a Dollarama, that's why lol. And the other is just pretty nice and we were talking about how busy the mall was and everything. I may have mentioned her in the summer from when I bought my Shinedown CD. It's the same girl lol.
School is an arduous task, but at present we are watching Gattaca in biology class and Brokedown Palace in law. Of course there's assignments/projects attached to them, but it's two days without worrying about taking epic amounts of notes or having questions assigned or something. I'll do the damn assignments, it's always better than the other questions we're given. In French class, it's the same old shtick we've dealt with every year in high school. Reading a book and filling out handouts. There is absolutely nothing new in that class. Psychology is alright, nothing terribly exciting goes on in it though.
On a personal note, I think I'm starting to come to terms with some things in my life. How I fit in and how I feel towards certain people. My secret infatuation has not diminished significantly, but it has a little bit (if only out of sheer hopelessness, as it were), so I consider this to be a good sign. The faster I get over it, the better, as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately, it's not just a case of flipping a switch and being done with it because you know you'd be better off not pining over so and so. It would be so much easier if it was though. Anyways, aside from the small bursts of giddyness/nervousness I get at school from that, I'm pretty numb. I don't feel really connected to anyone, at least not as closely as I'd like. I guess it's the same thing I've yearned for for years now and never found. I'd hoped that the way things were going with some of my coworkers, maybe I'd finally find someone I could implicitely trust, but although there is still one strong candidate for that, the chances are nothing's gonna come of it. Every time I have the chance to finally explain myself and to tell what I've really wanted to all along, I close up. I dunno. I guess it's not so much the fear (with some people) that it'll be betrayed and told to someone else, it's more the worry that they don't actually care, and they wouldn't really listen when I told them, that they wouldn't understand how important that information was to me. /emo rant.
I like to laugh and smile. I just don't find the will in me at this point in time to do much of it genuinely anymore. However, I did have to smile when I made one of my LJ friends really happy by telling her I'd mail her Papa Roach's new album when it comes out. And I will for sure. It'll be her late birthday present. And I was always happy just to draw something for my other online friend and mail it to her. It feels like I did something that mattered, something concrete or I don't know how to explain lol. Anyways, she seemed to like it :).
Nothing much more to say. I'm really digging Kamelot these days. But I also watched Within Temptation's Black Symphony the other night and now I can't stop listening to Within Temptation. Omg The Cross <3333.
Currently Listening: The Cross by Within Temptation
Why have you waited to embrace me, my dear?
Cold is your silence, denying what is real.
I'm still wondering why
I'm still calling your name, my dear.
